Freedom from the Pit

Do you ever find yourself feeling stuck? Like every one around you keeps moving on with life mean while some one has hit the pause button on your life? So much has happened lately but at the same time nothing has happened.

I was interning with Cru for a few months until my team leader approached me one night and told me that he didn't think this type of ministry was for me. My personality and how I was designed just didn't work with this job was the basis of what I heard that night through many tears that fell. I knew things weren't going perfectly and that it was a challenge, but isn't most ministry challenging? I was caught completely off guard, I had no idea something like this could even happen. I was at a loss of what to do. All I wanted to do was serve the Lord, make disciples, lead a women's Bible study, make a difference.

For a month I felt like there was a huge pit and I was 10 feet under that pit with a huge rock on top of me and couldn't get up. I didn't know what to do with my self, I had arrange my nursing job so I had very few hours, I needed to figure somethings out and fast! I was able to get more and more hours at my job but it didn't make me happy. I work as a RN at various nursing homes and it can be completely draining at times. Super busy shifts with little respect or encouragement. I have interviewed for various jobs at local hospitals and so far have come up empty handed. More discouragement.

Most of my friends where staff members from Cru or students from Cru. It was difficult to see them, to watch them continue on with their lives mean while I wanted to scream "What is wrong with you!? Don't you see me over here! You forgot about me!" I felt so alone and friendless. My best friend is currently in another country doing an 11 month missions internship, my sister moved to another state and my other friends where busy with school.

I spent a lot of wasted time feeling sorry for myself when I should have been going to the Lord in prayer. How I longed to pour my heart out to anyone who would listen and I chose not to go to the One who has all the answers, the only One capable of healing my heart. I began neglecting my relationship with the Lord, not on purpose it just kind of happened. I would read my Bible less or go a few days with out even opening it. My prayers consisted of me asking for a few things before I drifted off to sleep. My life just kept going in this downward spiral.

I started going through this Bible Study on my own, "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore. I realized that I needed to run to the Lord, that He was longing for me, that He wanted me to pour out my heart before Him. He wanted to talk to me, to listen to me, to be there for me. I am only in the fourth week of the Bible study and it runs for ten weeks but already I have began to get up and go to the One who can help me.

Yes, it is still hard and I am still not sure what to do with life or where I am headed but I do know that wherever I am going, I want to get there with my eyes completely focused on Jesus.