By Your Side

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

Wow, do you ever find a song that totally relates to what you are going through? Tonight, this song is everything I feel and it just hit me as I sat on my bed and just cried out to God. Why is it that sometimes we need to be told something like a thousand times before we go, "oh, I get it!" When everything seems to be going so wrong God is still there loving me, He is always by my side. I have heard this song so many times before but tonight it took on a whole new meaning for me. I need to stop looking for other people to love me and just look to God because He does love me and will never let me go! In a way I have insulted God, (it was really hard to admit this and harder yet to type it!) I have said in my heart God you are not enough and I need more, more than You...wow that must have hurt God a lot. God's love is ALL I need, it is more than enough and way more than I deserve!

 I'm not sure what God is going to do with life and where I will end up but I do know that God's love will get me through anything and everything. So God, I am sorry for looking for love in all the wrong places and I give you all of me. I know You won't relent until You have it all, so I'm giving it all to You.

Love

Love.....why is it that it is just so easy to love some people and others it seems nearly impossible? Love can be so complicated yet so simple. I don't know if I will ever fully grasp the concept of love. I know we are called by God to love everyone, even those who hurt us (we are called to love our enemies).

My concept of love has been messed up most of my life, I always thought it was something that you had to work towards, something that could be earned. But real love, true love can not be earned.

I grew up in a broken family, I have hardly any memories of my family being happy and lovey dovey like TV shows make family's appear. My parents were always fighting, and when they weren't fighting it was because they weren't talking. My parents divorced when I was in 4th grade, so my parents have been split up for most of my life. When parents get divorced, the children are forced to grow up fast because both parents are now working and you and your siblings have to take care of each other. My dad remarried when I was 16 and my mom has had a serious relationship with a guy since a I was 19. 

My family is not the kind of family that says "I love you." In fact I don't remember the last time I said "I love you" to anyone in my family or they said it to me. I am sure that we all love each other, I guess we just don't have a normal expression of this love. At least I hope we all love each other.

Most of the time when I am at either of my parents house, I feel like I'm just in the way. Like I'm a burden to them. It is extremely hard being the only Christian in your family. It makes loving them even harder because they don't always understand where I am coming from.

I want to love, I just don't know if I know how...... What I do know about love comes from God, He gave up His only Son so that I may have everlasting life! Jesus died for me and that is pretty romantic....I don't know of anyone else who would suffer and die the way He did for someone like me. Knowing that I would let Him down time after time and never be able to love Him the way He loves me. I am so thankful that He does love me, and you know what the best part is? He loves me for me! I don't have to try to be someone I'm not, I don't have to have perfect grades, the best job, the best clothes....I can just be me...the real me...and He LOVES me for that!

I was recently talking to a sister-in-Christ about how God sees us. He sees us as spotless, perfect, without blemish.....all because His Son died and took my place on that cross. Since I have repented of my sins and excepted Jesus as Lord and Saviour of my life, he sees me as clean, perfect and lovable. Wow, it is just mind blowing when I think of all the wrongs I have done, I wasn't as nice to her as I should have been, I said something mean to him, I was rude.....and the list can go on and on.......His love for me doesn't change, He will always love me!

Wow, so this blog got a little long and kind of jumped from thought to thought......I hope you were able to follow and grasp something out of this jumble of words if nothing else please know that God loves you and wants to have a relationship with you....all you have to do is ask, He is standing there with arms wide open just waiting for you to run into His arms.