Freedom from the Pit

Do you ever find yourself feeling stuck? Like every one around you keeps moving on with life mean while some one has hit the pause button on your life? So much has happened lately but at the same time nothing has happened.

I was interning with Cru for a few months until my team leader approached me one night and told me that he didn't think this type of ministry was for me. My personality and how I was designed just didn't work with this job was the basis of what I heard that night through many tears that fell. I knew things weren't going perfectly and that it was a challenge, but isn't most ministry challenging? I was caught completely off guard, I had no idea something like this could even happen. I was at a loss of what to do. All I wanted to do was serve the Lord, make disciples, lead a women's Bible study, make a difference.

For a month I felt like there was a huge pit and I was 10 feet under that pit with a huge rock on top of me and couldn't get up. I didn't know what to do with my self, I had arrange my nursing job so I had very few hours, I needed to figure somethings out and fast! I was able to get more and more hours at my job but it didn't make me happy. I work as a RN at various nursing homes and it can be completely draining at times. Super busy shifts with little respect or encouragement. I have interviewed for various jobs at local hospitals and so far have come up empty handed. More discouragement.

Most of my friends where staff members from Cru or students from Cru. It was difficult to see them, to watch them continue on with their lives mean while I wanted to scream "What is wrong with you!? Don't you see me over here! You forgot about me!" I felt so alone and friendless. My best friend is currently in another country doing an 11 month missions internship, my sister moved to another state and my other friends where busy with school.

I spent a lot of wasted time feeling sorry for myself when I should have been going to the Lord in prayer. How I longed to pour my heart out to anyone who would listen and I chose not to go to the One who has all the answers, the only One capable of healing my heart. I began neglecting my relationship with the Lord, not on purpose it just kind of happened. I would read my Bible less or go a few days with out even opening it. My prayers consisted of me asking for a few things before I drifted off to sleep. My life just kept going in this downward spiral.

I started going through this Bible Study on my own, "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore. I realized that I needed to run to the Lord, that He was longing for me, that He wanted me to pour out my heart before Him. He wanted to talk to me, to listen to me, to be there for me. I am only in the fourth week of the Bible study and it runs for ten weeks but already I have began to get up and go to the One who can help me.

Yes, it is still hard and I am still not sure what to do with life or where I am headed but I do know that wherever I am going, I want to get there with my eyes completely focused on Jesus.

Full Acceptance

Hello Valerie,

 

Congratulations on your full acceptance as a Campus Ministry intern of Campus Crusade for Christ!    We are excited as we anticipate what God will do in and through you during this coming year.

Yahoo! I'm accepted in Intern with CRU this fall! I know have to start working on raising support, which I know is not going to be an easy task. I've raised money before for mission trips but never for an entire year! I know that in order to raise all the support I need God is going to have to come through, BIG time! 

I am so exited to begin this new journey in life and I will be sharing it with all of you as well! I will try to keep you updated as much as possible during this experience and let you in on what God does through out my year as an intern. I am so grateful for this opportunity to serve God in this way! 

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Discouraged

My afternoon can be summed up in one word today - DISCOURAGED. As I wrote about in my last post, I have applied to intern with CRU, which would mean going in to full time ministry. My dad is not very happy with my decision, he doesn't understand at all why I would give up my nursing career to do a job that requires me to raise support. He refuses to talk to me directly about it but tells my brother and sister-in-law exactly what he thinks about it. As a daughter, I long to please my father and it hurts to know that he is not happy with a choice I have made. I know the Lord is calling me to ministry and the most important thing I can do is to please my heavenly Father, so Father I trust You.

If you pray, please pray for me and for a change in my dad's heart.

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Patience

Patience is something I lack from time to time ... but don't we all!? If you remember back in November I went to a conference called Life Options which I wrote about in this post. Since than I have been praying and seeking out God's will, His plan for me. I have never felt more sure that He has called me to full time ministry. I am so excited for this next part of life, this new chapter. (I have not officially been accepted yet but should here back sometime this month! I can't wait to find out!) While I am excited, it is also kind of scary. I mean who am I that God would chose me to pour into the lives of college students? I bet I'm feeling a lot of the same things Moses felt when God told him that he was to go talk to Pharaoh! I will be joining an amazing staff team and can not wait! Each day I check my email, longing, hoping, holding in my breathe, that today would be the day I find out.

I hope you all have a wonderful Friday! Here in Wisconsin it is snowing out, yet again! I was suppose to drive an hour to get to work tonight but I got called off. I am relieved that I don't have to drive in the snow but a little sad because I could use the money! I also get to spend one last night with a friend who is leaving for one year to serve in the army.

My Beloved

Last night I went to an event sponsored by CRU called My Beloved. Basically girls and guys get all dressed up and the guys serve the ladies desserts, than the guys leave and us ladies had some wonderful worship, speakers a drama and fellowship. It was such a great night. What girl doesn't love an excuse to get all dolled up!

The Fond Du Lac Ladies

Some amazing Oshkosh Friends

My roommates

The seniors (plus me, I graduated two years ago!)

The Fond Du Lac Ladies with Luis

Inhale..... Big Step .... Exhale

Last weekend I traveled to Minneapolis, Minnesota for a conference called Life Options. Life Options is a conference put on by Campus Crusade for Christ (CRU). The conference is all about helping college juniors and seniors explore their life options. The conference shared many different ways you can become involved in CRU, going on staff, interning, going over seas, working in the main office, working with high schoolers, etc. The conference also encouraged those going into the work force to see that as their place of ministry and share their faith there.

Since I got back from my trip to Africa in September and realized I would not be becoming a full time nurse missionary I have wrestled with a new idea ...... interning with CRU ..... wait ... WHAT!? I am so scared but completely excited at the same time! I have begun filling out the extremely long and intense application. If I am accepted I will spend the summer raising support, I need to raise A LOT of money to intern. That part kind of scares me ... ok it REALLY scares me but my God is amazing and if this is what He has for me, I trust that all my needs will be met and the support will come in.

This is a huge step for me, while interning I will not be able to work an outside job, which means goodbye nursing for at least a year. I feel like I should be more upset about giving up a career that I worked four long years of college to earn but I am not. I am joyful for this opportunity to serve the Lord. I still need to tell my parents which is also scary, I have no idea how they are going to react, so please pray for me and for them!

XoXo,

Valerie :D

Whirlwind

Do you ever feel like your mind is a whirlwind of too many thoughts and things to do? That is how I feel, ever since I got back from Africa I have been so crazy busy! I shouldn't complain because the busyness is all good things! It's just that sometimes there is just so much that I feel like I don't have enough time to process anything before I'm running off to the next thing. So much has changed in the past month and I am so excited to see where God is taking me on this journey, only sometimes I feel like I freeze and can't move. I can see a path in the distance but it seems so hard to actually get there!

For the past 5 or so years of my life I thought I was going to be a full time missionary to Africa, working as a nurse missionary. A month ago I went to Africa on a missions trip and taught health classes. While I was there I knew God was speaking to me however, I didn't like what He had to say, or at least not at first. So, you know what I did? I argued with Him, yup that's right God and I were having a disagreement, looking back on it is silly to think that I was actually arguing with the One who created me, my Lord and Saviour, the perfect One. What was the argument you ask? Missions, God was telling me that while I love Africa, this was not the mission field He was calling me to, I would not be serving there full time like I have been dreaming about! At first I was angry, mad and hurt, I thought God, how can you say no? I am doing this for you! I love you and want to serve you here! You know I love missions! What do you mean no?

God gently replied, I'm not telling you no to missions, I'm saying no to Africa. This confused me for a while, until I was back in the States, then it hit me, my mission field is right where I am, God showed me what I am truly passionate about and that is college students! I want to continue to be a part of the lives of college students and help lead them in their faith or to God if they don't know Him. So where does this all leave me? I am currently praying about interning with an organization called Campus Crusade for Christ. I love this group and what it does. I am excited to pray about and look into becoming more involved in this organization and most importantly doing what God has called me to do!

Somewhere between a rock and a hard place.....

I always found that to be an odd saying but lately I have felt like I live it. I have had to have some tough conversations lately with some people I really care about. I prayed heavily about the decisions I knew had to be made and trusted God that everything will be alright.

I have not been happy with my current living situation. (i.e. my roommates). It's not that I don't like my roommates because I do, they are all my friends and I don't want to lose that friendship but I knew that if I continued with the way things were going that friendship might be forever lost. I currently live with 3 other girls in a small 2 bedroom apartment. I share a room with my best friend Katie and we are great, no problems there. In fact we are most likely going to get a different apartment together when our current lease is up in May. The other two girls Abigail and Sarah share a room. Again let me stress I still care about these girls and value their friendship very much, I just can't live with them. I feel like I can't be me and that is a HUGE problem. I need to be free to invite friends over, talk about whatever I want to talk about and do what I want in the place where I live. Last Sunday night we had a roommate talk, there were tears and feelings were hurt. It was so hard but I knew I had to do it. I never want to have to go through that again. I am trusting in God to bring healing and peace to those relationships.

The other tough decision was related to the ministry that I am involved in. Campus ministry is the college ministry at Marian University. I was very actively involved in it though out my 4 years as a student at Marian, I was the vice-president my junior and senior year. I loved this ministry and it was my way of sharing my faith with others. Recently there have been a lot of battles with this ministry and my friend and I who are also working with Campus Crusade for Christ felt the need to step away from Campus ministry. It is so hard to let go of something I have held so dear to me. Campus Ministry is where I met my college friends and holds all my fondest memories of college. So in my stubbornness, I said no to God, I said you must be joking, how can I still witness to others and be effective for Your kingdom if I say goodbye to Campus Ministry. God reminded my that my ways are not His ways and that He really does know best. Next semester things will look different at how I reach out to students at Marian but I will still be reaching out to them. I am not walking away from my "mission field." Even though I graduated last May, I still feel like God has placed me here for this time to be a witness to the lost at Marian.

So basically what I am saying is that life has been rough lately and I am really looking forward to sometimes of refreshment. I am trusting and waiting for the next move.

CRU

I don't know where to start with this post so I will start with the verse that I just read and go from there

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, thought there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior." Habbakkuk 3:17-18

Lately I feel like this verse, I feel like nothing is being produced and I am empty handed but through all of this I will still praise God. I have been working with some others to get a christian group on campus called Campus Crusade for Christ (CRU), the mission of this group is to bring the gospel within arms reach of every student. Marian University desperately needs to hear the gospel! Spiritually speaking, the campus is dead, yes there are some believers here and there but the majority of the campus is living for the world.

Yes, I did graduate from Marian last summer but I still care about the campus and the spiritual well being of its students. I want to see Marian transformed into a place where everyone has a chance to have a personal relationship with Jesus! I want others to experience new life! I have been praying and working with others to make this dream a possibility. Yesterday, the possibility of having CRU at Marian was shot down for the time being anyways. The one person's approval we needed to go ahead with this said no. It can be so frustrating when you are working for something that will further the kingdom of God and it is shot down. I am not giving up, I know God wants His presence known on this campus, it just might not happen the way I envisioned it. God knows best so I just need to trust in Him and His perfect plan.