Season of lonliness

Lately I have felt so alone, I miss having friends around all the time and always having something to do on a Friday night. Lately, life has consisted of working 40-50 hours a week and church on Sundays. How I long to do fun things with friends, to be silly, laugh for hours on end and just enjoy each others company. I have been transitioning to a new phase in life and it is difficult. I haven't been a student for a few years now and all my close friends have moved away. Don't get me wrong, when I finally do see my friends from far away, it is like we have never been apart and I love, love that!

I am not sure why I am currently struggling to find friends who are at the same stage of life as I am, people who are there for me. I just want to find a few people who accept me as I am, who don't give me a list of things I need to fix. I want to be chosen and loved for me, just as I am.

This has been a really hard season and it doesn't appear to be ending any time soon. Here is what I know:

•  I know that the Lord has a plan for all that He does.
•  I know He works all things for the good of those who love Him.
•  I know the Lord can sympathize with me. Tonight I was reading from Matthew 26 and in verse 31 Jesus tells his disciples, His close group of friends, that they will all desert Him that night. 
• Jesus knows what it is like to be alone. 

I am going to leave you with this quote I came across tonight:

"I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one’s thoughts." (Elisabeth Elliot) 

Freedom from the Pit

Do you ever find yourself feeling stuck? Like every one around you keeps moving on with life mean while some one has hit the pause button on your life? So much has happened lately but at the same time nothing has happened.

I was interning with Cru for a few months until my team leader approached me one night and told me that he didn't think this type of ministry was for me. My personality and how I was designed just didn't work with this job was the basis of what I heard that night through many tears that fell. I knew things weren't going perfectly and that it was a challenge, but isn't most ministry challenging? I was caught completely off guard, I had no idea something like this could even happen. I was at a loss of what to do. All I wanted to do was serve the Lord, make disciples, lead a women's Bible study, make a difference.

For a month I felt like there was a huge pit and I was 10 feet under that pit with a huge rock on top of me and couldn't get up. I didn't know what to do with my self, I had arrange my nursing job so I had very few hours, I needed to figure somethings out and fast! I was able to get more and more hours at my job but it didn't make me happy. I work as a RN at various nursing homes and it can be completely draining at times. Super busy shifts with little respect or encouragement. I have interviewed for various jobs at local hospitals and so far have come up empty handed. More discouragement.

Most of my friends where staff members from Cru or students from Cru. It was difficult to see them, to watch them continue on with their lives mean while I wanted to scream "What is wrong with you!? Don't you see me over here! You forgot about me!" I felt so alone and friendless. My best friend is currently in another country doing an 11 month missions internship, my sister moved to another state and my other friends where busy with school.

I spent a lot of wasted time feeling sorry for myself when I should have been going to the Lord in prayer. How I longed to pour my heart out to anyone who would listen and I chose not to go to the One who has all the answers, the only One capable of healing my heart. I began neglecting my relationship with the Lord, not on purpose it just kind of happened. I would read my Bible less or go a few days with out even opening it. My prayers consisted of me asking for a few things before I drifted off to sleep. My life just kept going in this downward spiral.

I started going through this Bible Study on my own, "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore. I realized that I needed to run to the Lord, that He was longing for me, that He wanted me to pour out my heart before Him. He wanted to talk to me, to listen to me, to be there for me. I am only in the fourth week of the Bible study and it runs for ten weeks but already I have began to get up and go to the One who can help me.

Yes, it is still hard and I am still not sure what to do with life or where I am headed but I do know that wherever I am going, I want to get there with my eyes completely focused on Jesus.

Love

Love.....why is it that it is just so easy to love some people and others it seems nearly impossible? Love can be so complicated yet so simple. I don't know if I will ever fully grasp the concept of love. I know we are called by God to love everyone, even those who hurt us (we are called to love our enemies).

My concept of love has been messed up most of my life, I always thought it was something that you had to work towards, something that could be earned. But real love, true love can not be earned.

I grew up in a broken family, I have hardly any memories of my family being happy and lovey dovey like TV shows make family's appear. My parents were always fighting, and when they weren't fighting it was because they weren't talking. My parents divorced when I was in 4th grade, so my parents have been split up for most of my life. When parents get divorced, the children are forced to grow up fast because both parents are now working and you and your siblings have to take care of each other. My dad remarried when I was 16 and my mom has had a serious relationship with a guy since a I was 19. 

My family is not the kind of family that says "I love you." In fact I don't remember the last time I said "I love you" to anyone in my family or they said it to me. I am sure that we all love each other, I guess we just don't have a normal expression of this love. At least I hope we all love each other.

Most of the time when I am at either of my parents house, I feel like I'm just in the way. Like I'm a burden to them. It is extremely hard being the only Christian in your family. It makes loving them even harder because they don't always understand where I am coming from.

I want to love, I just don't know if I know how...... What I do know about love comes from God, He gave up His only Son so that I may have everlasting life! Jesus died for me and that is pretty romantic....I don't know of anyone else who would suffer and die the way He did for someone like me. Knowing that I would let Him down time after time and never be able to love Him the way He loves me. I am so thankful that He does love me, and you know what the best part is? He loves me for me! I don't have to try to be someone I'm not, I don't have to have perfect grades, the best job, the best clothes....I can just be me...the real me...and He LOVES me for that!

I was recently talking to a sister-in-Christ about how God sees us. He sees us as spotless, perfect, without blemish.....all because His Son died and took my place on that cross. Since I have repented of my sins and excepted Jesus as Lord and Saviour of my life, he sees me as clean, perfect and lovable. Wow, it is just mind blowing when I think of all the wrongs I have done, I wasn't as nice to her as I should have been, I said something mean to him, I was rude.....and the list can go on and on.......His love for me doesn't change, He will always love me!

Wow, so this blog got a little long and kind of jumped from thought to thought......I hope you were able to follow and grasp something out of this jumble of words if nothing else please know that God loves you and wants to have a relationship with you....all you have to do is ask, He is standing there with arms wide open just waiting for you to run into His arms.